I woke up today singing in my head ‘steal away’, an old spiritual.  We used to sing this around the campfire at Methodist Youth camp. Beautiful harmonies from our young voices.  I knew that “I have to go to camp ground” was about dying.  Paul Robeson’s “Deep River” was about the same theme.  Other songs included ‘if you get to heaven before I do, just bore a hole and pull me through’.  In some way, these songs are comforting. What relevance did they have to me, this budding rationalist skeptic teenager?  Of course, I also loved songs were more relevant to my life, like in Cindy Cindy: “every time she kissed me she stole my bubble gum”.

As I age, the mortality theme seems more relevant. When I saw the trailer for ‘Still Julia’ about Alzheimer’s and I felt very disturbed and decided not to see that movie yet.   The film The Imitation Game showed a lonely, beaten down genius turning the lights out on his beloved machine and probably himself.  These are emotional, relevant topics for us as we age.  Teenagers often are accused of acting as if they were immortal. Still, death has been a teen cultural meme for a long time, and there’s probably a reason.

So I will keep enjoying old camp songs as long as they linger in my head.

1/29/15

I heard a Fresh Air interview today with a man who lived in an extended care home while middle-aged. He realized that the new residents would come in without bringing a context of their previous life He decided to do video interviews, letting them talk about anything.   It turned out to be a good thing to do, and their families benefited.

This idea appeals to me — interviewing seniors who have little support systems, perhaps give them something to pass down. Cousin Lois has been doing something like this for many years.

These days I think of many questions I wish I had asked.   Mom, how did your mother/aunt relate to you when you were young, and when you were older? Was she cold or warm? Dad, what led you to each big decision to do something new, like starting psychiatry or buying an airplane? I was always surprised by each new adventure. Grandpa JC, how did your father get into taking pictures?   Did you try to interest me in your darkroom?

I have enjoyed it when I took the time to videotape relatives — Albert, Henry, Mildred, Mom, Dad.   It’s not easy to ask questions to take things deeper.   I think I would enjoy being ‘video interviewed’ at some point by my children or grand-kids, like Allegra’s taping of Fran or all 3 interviewing Albert. I ‘m such a self-documenter, but still we might learn something.

9/19/2012

At the airport there was a man who looked just like Dad waiting for the same flight I was. It was disturbing. Similar blue eyes, (not quite as intense) which sometimes stared off into the distance just like Dad’s wide-set eyes would.  It made my heart ache.  He had been gone six years. In spite of our differences over the years, I could feel how I loved him.

January 8, 2006

Dad at 1989 reception